Can you get over loss?
I went to a party last night to celebrate the birthday of my mom’s best friend. The people who were at the party either knew her or knew of what had happened to my mom. I had an inkling of what it might feel like to be famous – people feel they know me rather intimately, with a bond of friendship, when I don’t know them at all. It is a little disconcerting, and something I’ve learned to live with after my publicly sharing the story of my miscarriages, and the miracle of Joshua’s birth after my 7th miscarriage. The Question One lady who I had not yet...
Read MoreHave I forgotten what it was like to miscarry?
It has been 3 years, 4 months and 13 days since I had my son after 7 miscarriages. It’s been almost a year since my 10th miscarriage and we’re thinking about starting to try again. I caught myself wondering this morning whether I can even remember the hollow, empty, primal pain of losing my unborn children, and if I can recall what it was like to inject myself daily as the bruises on my skin got bigger and darker; if I remember the daily regime of take more pills than I could hold in one hand and the toll this took on our relationship. I start to think back, which isn’t much...
Read MoreI Have Infertile
My inner grammar-marm is not happy with this post title. She keeps telling me “No.. the CORRECT way to say it is ‘I AM infertile’. We’ve had a ‘discussion’ and currently she’s in the corner with her mouth taped shut. Here’s my argument: ‘I am infertile’ is definite. It’s personal. It claims to encompass everything about me. It is a liar. I am not infertile. I have challenges with fertility. I also have a wicked sense of humour and a rather twisted way of thinking sometimes. I have an awareness of things...
Read MoreGetting through a loss
Almost 4 months ago, I suffered a personal tragedy that had nothing to do with fertility and it left me reeling. My mom was murdered two weeks after I suffered my 10th miscarriage (I was almost at the end of my first trimester, and had seen the heartbeat 3 times, so this was one of the worst miscarriages for me). I found myself in a state of surrealism, almost as though I was having an out of body experience, and I decided that I was not able to do this on my own. Instead of following my normal pattern of grieving through withdrawal (although I am very public about our situation, I do not...
Read More5 Traumatic Lessons
I’ve been very quiet lately in the virtual world. The last few months have been absolute mayhem, with my mom dying, dealing with police investigations, newspapers, estate stuff (I’m an only child), renovating and moving house. For the last 5 months, I have been running on adrenaline and it hit me the other day when I realised, in a fit of backlogged emotional outbursts, that I have not allowed myself any time to really process this all. I have neglected my self-nurturing, and part of that is blogging. If I were to coach myself as though I were a totally new...
Read MoreThe art of grieving
I read a beautiful and very apt comment on a BabyLoss forum on Facebook today, – “….but I am jealous of those who carry ’tissue-paper’ crosses when mine is more like cement.” ~Lori Ennis~ I had already begun writing this post, but it sort of just tied everything together for me, because Lori summed up what most of us are feeling – the burden of private intimate suffering that seems to be heavier than anything anyone else is going through. It seems to be human nature to classify and categorise things, and then to judge them accordingly. ...
Read More