I Have Infertile
My inner grammar-marm is not happy with this post title. She keeps telling me “No.. the CORRECT way to say it is ‘I AM infertile’. We’ve had a ‘discussion’ and currently she’s in the corner with her mouth taped shut. Here’s my argument: ‘I am infertile’ is definite. It’s personal. It claims to encompass everything about me. It is a liar. I am not infertile. I have challenges with fertility. I also have a...
Read MoreGetting through a loss
Almost 4 months ago, I suffered a personal tragedy that had nothing to do with fertility and it left me reeling. My mom was murdered two weeks after I suffered my 10th miscarriage (I was almost at the end of my first trimester, and had seen the heartbeat 3 times, so this was one of the worst miscarriages for me). I found myself in a state of surrealism, almost as though I was having an out of body experience, and I decided that I was not able to do this on my own. Instead of following my...
Read More5 Traumatic Lessons
I’ve been very quiet lately in the virtual world. The last few months have been absolute mayhem, with my mom dying, dealing with police investigations, newspapers, estate stuff (I’m an only child), renovating and moving house. For the last 5 months, I have been running on adrenaline and it hit me the other day when I realised, in a fit of backlogged emotional outbursts, that I have not allowed myself any time to really process this all. I have neglected my self-nurturing,...
Read MoreThe art of grieving
I read a beautiful and very apt comment on a BabyLoss forum on Facebook today, – “….but I am jealous of those who carry ’tissue-paper’ crosses when mine is more like cement.” ~Lori Ennis~ I had already begun writing this post, but it sort of just tied everything together for me, because Lori summed up what most of us are feeling – the burden of private intimate suffering that seems to be heavier than anything anyone else is going...
Read MoreWhen the chips are down
When crises hit, or tragedy strikes, or the emotional toll of the constant struggle to conceive or maintain a successful pregnancy starts to wear you down, you are faced with choices. Last month my mom was murdered. I found her alive but in a coma from which she never recovered. She died peacefully, surrounded by people who love her and I had the chance to wash her feet, which was something she did for my grandparents, and which was hugely significant for both of us. Now, though, I’m left...
Read More5 Mistakes I Made As A Miscarrier…
Infertility and miscarriage are tough to endure. They change our lives and alter our perspective and behaviors. They change our habits and shake up our relationships. They can leave us feeling empty and lost. I made a number of mistakes in the beginning part of my journey, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.. 1. Giving up control Once diagnosed with fertility challenges, I set about trying to ‘solve’ the problem. I researched causes and possible cures. I...
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