I want this child, I follow the rules of pregnancy religiously, I take my medication on time, the doctors can’t find anything wrong besides the sticky platelets, and that is supposed to be treatable with the (expensive) daily injections of Clexane. I even know some surprising things that affect fertility! The burning question for me is “why do I keep miscarrying?!”
If you’re reading this post, you’ve asked this question (or a similar question) too, so I will include you in the answer that I came up with after a long time of asking.
It is because we have the strength to turn this tragedy into something meaningful. So, my question to you is “What have you learned from this that will help improve your or others’ lives?”. Something like this changes us, and there’s no going back, but you can choose your way forward.
When I first fell pregnant, a neighbour gave me a whole bunch of beautiful girl’s clothes. When I miscarried, I didn’t return them, because I was hopeful for the next pregnancy. As time passed, and I lost more pregnancies, I kept looking with longing at the baby clothes that were now boxed in the cupboard, I realised how angry and bitter (and jealous) I was becoming towards the people who were having children, sometimes without even trying.
Eventually, as I cried over a beautiful pink fluffy coat with a hood with teddy bear ears on it, I realised I was heading down a path to becoming a person I didn’t want to be. I saw myself as as one of those old crazy looking people who scowls at babies and is mean and sarcastic to whoever has the misfortune of engaging in conversation. I realised that I really didn’t want to become this old crackpot, so I bit the bullet and went and visited my neighbour, who had a young toddler, and played with her. While it was a sad time for me, I really expected it to hurt a lot more, but instead I felt myself healing a little, and although I still dodged baby showers, I did feel happier for those people than I did jealous.
I kept the clothes that my neighbour gave me through 6 miscarriages, until there was a crisis that people in our city went through, where people lost their homes and everything they owned. I decided to donate the gorgeous baby things that I had held onto, and started to accept that I wasn’t going to have the child I longed for. I also accepted that it wasn’t my fault and nor was it because I wasn’t a good mother.
Sure enough, a month after I gave the clothes away, I fell (and stayed) pregnant, giving birth to my son in 2009. Although I started off being angry and hurt at this situation that was totally beyond my control, in hindsight I am grateful for having undertaken this journey. I see it as a trial of fire that brought me to where I am now- a more powerful, engaged, and developed person. I am strong enough to help others, and I believe that you are too, regardless of the outcome of this journey. You are being given the opportunity to find resources that you never knew you had, discover new depths of your friendships, and decide who you would like to keep in your life. You are able to make a choice about where you want your relationship to go and what you want to do nurture it.
We have the pain because we can shoulder it. We let go of the pain so we can realise our destiny
and so that we can connect with others and help each other.